“No –not again” I screamed loudly, my eyes staring hopefully with fear at the sullen face of my husband who stared back with a devastated look. I turned back to look at the doctor who had a sympathetic look and the two female nurses who also stared at me with the look of lost and disappointment. None of them would utter any word, instead they had followed my gaze towards the empty baby cot I had visualized and expected to see my baby lying peaceful or whimpering for the tender care of my hands.
But my sobbing eyes presently could only make out the small pillow and the rich baby blanket I had bought during one of our numerous baby shopping spree, in anticipation of a long expected child of our own.
“Sorry – darling – it’s a miscarriage again” I heard my husband finally announce stepping forward to sit down beside me on the bed and gently stroking my head against his broad shoulder.
“ We are sorry Mrs. James – we tried everything we could do to save your child – but…” The doctor chipped in, but I was no longer listening to voices around me, instead I found my mind on a long thoughtful journey and my spirit broken. I wished I could just close my eyes and open them to find I was just dreaming and still have my baby safely hidden in my womb.
“ I am sorry James…I am really sorry” I sobbed uncontrollable in the protective shoulder of my caring and understanding husband, who held me tightly and whispered his long reassuring words into my ears.
“No – darling don’t be sorry- it wasn’t your fault – that is the way God wanted it to be. We will try again”. He told me, lifting my face to clean the flowing tears from my sunken eyes.
I trailed after my husband and the other sympathizers who had thronged to the hospital to see me home, after spending two more days at my cozy room at the expensive hospital, this after the doctor and my over pampering nurses had assured themselves that I was now psychological fit again to return to our big house and the other materialistic vanities that make up a good life. But all I ever needed was just a child, a lively bouncing toothless baby I could proudly call my own, just like some of my mates and neighbors.
All I desperately wished would happen was to go home with a whimpering child held closely in my bosom, just like some of the pregnant mothers who came to the hospital with me on the same day and were now proud mothers of innocent sweet little creatures. I didn’t mind what gender - a girl, a boy, twins or triplets, just a little child with life, that pure smell and the natural blood bond.
We were nearing where my husband had parked his posh KIA car , when I noticed a new mother with her God’s gift held protectively in her hands, and was about to load a car with a smiling happy looking man, I guessed must be her husband. I suddenly paused halfway through our car door and stared once more at the lucky mother, wishing I was in the same position with her, and my husband wearing that same happy smile like her hubby.
“Come on Martha- lets go home and start preparing for another chance.” I heard James said to me, knowing he must have comprehended what I was thinking.
I flopped into the car leather seat and stared silently at the hospital surroundings as we drove out of the rich premises that could not reward me with a life long desire.
God – when is my own baby coming, after eight years of trying, humiliation and perseverance? I thought silently as James drove off silently absolved in his own wishes and thoughts. I felt sorry for him, blaming myself for making him go through all the trouble with me faithfully, despite all the prodding from his parents, other family members and friends, including my own families and friends, who had long expected us to have filled our rich home with babies, as if all the wealth in this world could create one.
This was my forth miscarriage and I tell you nobody, but me and James knew exactly how these tormenting eight years have been. The doctor had long confirmed that we were both okay, with enough steam, strong sperm from James and active eggs in my womb to produce a child, but what many of these people are failing to understand was that providence was still locking around us and nobody but the creator and owner of everything on earth, could make this desire possible. I thought silently, my eyes suddenly staring at various parents with their little ones, held on their backs, hands or strolling together along the busy morning street. My curious eyes equally picked up the ignorant faces of some kids hawking cheap wares at risk fully amidst the noisy street, and silently cursed the system that allowed young innocent ones to hardly strive at this tender age.
I cursed the system that closed its eyes to its responsibilities, and encouraged these innocent ones to fall prey to heartless child molesters, rapist, and ritualists, now rampant and mingling freely among these gullible young ones. I suddenly hated the system and people that have failed to see the potentials of these ingenuous future leaders and the custodians of this country. I was bemused by those heartless and foolish women who senselessly dumped or abandoned their babies on roadsides, front doors, or many other strange places, after suffering to carry them in their wombs for nine solid months. I asked myself if they really knew and appreciated the value of life, especially that of a child, who know one among us knows what he or she might be tomorrow.
Oh God - just give me a child and I will show this uncaring bunch of people how to take care of an adolescent. I prayed silently as we approached our imposing big house, wishing all its beauty could turn into a child, not minding if we had to live in a small room, as long as my baby would have a space to lay his innocent head on.
“Here we are – welcome back home.” I heard James announced happily, cutting off my silent thoughts and wishes.
“Thank you – darling – I am happy to be home” I replied, slowly stepping out of the car and gave him my hand as he led me into our home, with a silent resolve to stay calm and get prepared to try again, with the hope that providence would have pity on us this time and give us a little child of our own.
Photo of baby by TedsBlog see here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/tedsblog/43433812/in/photostream/