Gwenevere, The Practically Perfect Princess.

by Caroline Waszek
(Toronto, Canada)

Princess Gwenevere was a perfect princess.

Well, almost.

Her hair was perfect, her poise was perfect and even her practicing of ping-pong was perfect.

But there was this thing about her that wasn’t quite so perfect.

When the Duke and Duchess came over they exclaimed, “She’s a perfect princess!” But they left rubbing their noses.

When the Baron and Baroness came they said, “She truly is a royal princess.” They left fanning their faces.

At first people weren’t sure it was the princess causing the smell, because how could someone so perfect be not so perfect.

“Call upon the royal sniffers,” the King announced. “I don’t want an inch of the castle left un…un…unsniffed!” The sniffers sniffed every inch of the castle and stopped at Princess Gwenevere's feet.

“Your highness,” they said cowering. “It’s her feet.”

“Nonsense!” the King shouted. “Look at those perfect feet.”

“I daresay, come have a sniff yourself.”

The King leaned over and inhaled long and deep. “Oh! What a malodorous, odious stench. How foul! Call the royal doctor, pharmacist, homeopath and naturopath. I want this fixed.”

So the royal doctor, pharmacist, homeopath and naturopath arrived with their lotions and potions and ancient remedies. They each had a whiff and offered their advice.

“Rub this cream on her feet and cover them with a bag while she sleeps,” one suggested.

“Bathe in this oil,” was another’s suggestion.

“Take this capsule and call me in the morning,” rebutted another.

“Put ten drops of this liquid under your tongue three times a day before meals, then lie down on your stomach, and then take three tablespoons of this serum after you eat and then touch your toes five times,” recommend another.

The princess would have nothing of it. “That cream is way too sticky, and that scent is giving me a headache, and that capsule is too big for me to swallow. I’ll choke to death for sure. And don’t even get me started about that serum stuff,” Princess Gwenevre complained.

“Gwenevere, please be reasonable. I think I have the solution,” said the King. “Let’s just simply get you some new shoes than. Those are rather worn.”

“These shoes are perfect. They are practically new. Besides, none of my other shoes are as comfortable as these.”

“Well, how about bathing your feet?” the King asked.

“I had a bath last month or so. I don’t have the time,” Princess Gwenevere said and she ran up to her room.

“New shoes, have a bath, what utter nonsense,” she said as she gazed out the window. There was someone coming up the walkway. It was Prince George, her favourtie prince.

She ran and greeted him at the door. “Hi, Prince George. You’re looking particularly handsome today.” He really was worth drooling over.

“Good afternoon, Gwenevere. Will you join me for a stroll in the garden?” the Prince suggested.

“How about a run?” asked Gwenevere, as she ran out the door.

“Even better,” said the prince racing after her.

They ran around the courtyard. They ran through the forest. They ran down to the garden where they stopped for a rest.

“I do say, those pink princess roses are quite fragrant today,” Prince George commented, as he sniffed the air. “But there is something else rather pungent.”

Gwenevere watched Prince George sniff around the garden and stop at her feet. “I do say, Princess, that it is you, or at least your shoes. Let me have my royal shoe fitter come and fit your feet with a new pair. Your toes look like they are trying to escape from those ones.”

Princess Gwenevere was about to protest but didn’t want to argue with the prince. The shoe fitters came a quick as they were summoned and gave the princess two new pairs of shoes. Exactly the same pair of shoes.

“There, now you came rotate which pair you wear every day and they won’t get so smelly,” Prince George said. “Now, I also noticed that your feet are rather sweaty. Those shimmering pink tights do look perfect on you, but they are not perfect for running. Here are some anti-sweat, wet wicking micro-cotton socks to wear. I designed them myself. But, first lets wash those stinky dogs.”

The Prince scrubbed Princess Gwenevere’s feet in a bucket of warm water and then sprinkled her feet with baking soda and sniffed them.

“There now your feet are as perfect as you are,” Prince George said. “I’ll race you back to the castle so we can show your father.”

The King was truly happy. To show his appreciation the King invited the prince to stay for dinner.

“She truly is a perfect princess.” And they all agreed as they watched the princess eat her pickled peppers, piping hot pork ribs and peach passion pudding.

“Burp!”