by Scott Armstrong
Just in case you wanted to know
She was an odd woman my Auntie Flo
Yet even when her mind started to go
She always kept Blue
A bright blue Alsatian aged twenty two.
She boasted of the things the little dog could do
"You can bet your last wine gum the dog can do even the most complex sum!
You can bet your front teeth that he does things beyond belief!
You can bet the TV set that, that dog can use the internet!"
One morning I sat
upon the front door mat
Thinking my Auntie's brain has turned into soup
It's dribbled out of her head like pink gloop
She thought that Blue was super smart
But I knew in heart
that the dog was lazy
and she was crazy!
"Auntie if you prove to me that Blue is smart
I promise this with all my heart
I'll eat my hat with extra chilli sauce unless what you say about Blue is false!" I cried.
Flo's happiness could not be denied.
She took me into the living room
which was filled with blinding gloom.
She turned on the light and before me I saw
that blue had begun to draw
a maths sum so sublime
it would even confuse Albert Einstein!
And lo behold
he answered it correctly one hundred times fold!
He then leapt on to the bookshelf and picked out a page marked book by a man last name Dickens
(On Flo's shelf children's books were slim Pickens)
He then sat upon the floor
and read it before
I could say a word
he'd finished it every sentence every verb!
He then turned on Flo's apple laptop
a thing as bright green as snot
and gasp come on just take a look
he had a hundred and one friends on face book!
By Jove that dog must be a St. He could speak foreign languages without complaint!
"If you're so smart
I bet you don't have the brave heart
to challenge me to a rap off
compared to me you are a slow tree sloth"
I snapped thinking I had him beat
that he was ready to admit defeat.
He then stood upon his hind legs and let out a rap that'd Put Snoop Dog to shame:
"Bark bark barky bee
do you really think you can beat me?
I'm the lord of this manor
My spelling and grammar
hit harder then sledge hammers!
You act as hard as nails on the outside but instead under your bed
all I see is a cuddly ted!
(My cheeks turned red as he held up my threadbare teddy Ed)
I'm so sublime
I'm the K to the 9
Can't scratch with these
I got showbiz fleas
When I see a tree
I go pee!
(He was now joined in by a chorus of golden retriever diva's who were singing along)
Retrievers: When the going gets tough!
Blue: I have a cup of tea
Retrievers: He's so divine
Blue: Like I said I'm the k to the 9
Retrievers: Top dog! Top dog! Top dog! He's the coolest of the k9's!
Every dog in the neighbourhood: Go Blue, Go Blue, Go Blue!
Blue: Don't deny it my friend you've lost this time word!
Suddenly he stopped the dogs had gone quit and he was staring at me.
I had lost and he had won
and now the deed was done.
I went in to the kitchen to see
a silver platter waiting for me.
On it sat my baseball cap covered in chilli sauce for Blue's behaviour I could safely say was anything but false!
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